The Associate Laptop Class

Sorrows from the Associate Laptop Class

Sporadic Prose on Losing My Ambition, the False Promises of Careerism, Loss, Crippling Isolation, New Dreams of the Simplicity, Children and Perhaps My Saving Grace, Rediscovering God

Where is this compassion for the Associate Lap top class? 

The remote Graduate Student? White Collar Careerist?

All those years of anxiety... stress.. insecurity

Crimpled with imposters syndrome.

Working too many hours just to earn an inch of respect. 

Striving for that promotion so you can pay off your loans someday?

Maybe buy a house? Maybe have kids?

You move to a new city and try to make new friends.

but when the happy hours turn to Zoom check-ins

and real professional mentors turn into LinkedIn likes

and your friends outside of work keep moving away

to chase the next best thing, your social network dwindles 

Your live-in partner, who you thought you would marry,

 leaves you, then comes back, and then leaves you again?

He was lost, striving for recognition, lost in ambition

well, you were sick with doubt, blaming yourself

creating a new fantasy of family and simplicity.

Then my family moves away. 

My sweet niece dies (your only real purpose these last four years). 

As my tit-nit community disappears, I fear my memories of her will fade.

I find myself oscillating between bouts of sadness, avoidance, and addiction.

 All because I am determined to maintain my grateful, positive attitude

- the attitude I cultivated during my service in the Peace Corps.  

Everyone who seems to know little about what I did, 

or what I saw- still tells me, “You've seen a lot; you have perspective”. 

Little do they know the perspective is..

 We(Americans) may have material things, privileges,  and tools, 

yet we still feel empty, I feel empty

tired, and many times lost. 

The job I have, and the mission I work under, I should be grateful for, and I am.

 At least when I am in a meeting and get excited about "a win", the mission, and stories are shared. 

 I am happy and full of light.

But on the daily, I am mostly alone, surrounded by merely my thoughts

- when they are light, I am light. 

when they are dark, I am dark. 

Most of my life I have been surrounded by people, most of the time. 

Not to say this is all “Hunky Dorey” either; people can be messy, people can be cruel.

 People can give you anxiety. 

The loneliness makes me feel disconnected; I type, thinking of grammar, thinking, “does this sentence sounds right? Will my boss think this is awkward sounding” and I forget the feelings, I don’t laugh or smile, mirroring whoever is in front of me. 

I don’t hear new stories about people’s lives, their kids, their families, their weekends. 

Stories that in the past would travel with me on my car ride home, into my reflections at supper, and to my prayers at bedtime. 

I instead, ruminate over a colleague’s short email, or their lack of response to my days’ worth of thought and effort. I try to think of more pleasant thoughts “Which coffee shop will I go to tomorrow?" –to spend money I don’t have on things I don’t want….

I think of distractions that make my blood pressure rise—inflammatory politics, drama, self-hatred- and therefore make me feel alive.

I release with soma and sporadically with high intensity workouts. 

The next day is better. I have a real conversation on a one-on-one zoom call. 

I write an article that has meaning. I have dinner with my roommates, and I read a book. 

I yo-yo spiral, get up, fall down, and do it again. 

You got through the day but did you get to ANY of your other responsibilities? 

Bills? Insurance? Loan payments? Etc.

My mind yells at me, “This is what being an adult looks like! What you want to run away and play, again?!” 

More Soma.

The Soma tells me the wisdom I already know, 

“You are meant to be with people T, you are meant to be with Children”

I respond: OKAY,  how! What about my debt?

 How do I know I won't be further behind? 

Why can other people do this but not me?

 I am 30, where the fuck is my family? My kids?

It's the only purpose.

The trouble with Soma is they may give you wisdom, but it’s hard for it to stick, with all the airy feelings. The truth is real life is a harsh wind, and you don’t forget your coat in a harsh wind!

 If you don’t feel the cold, you risk frostbite. 

I chased status, degrees, countries, foreign lands, parties, drugs, and music. 

I have the right job, I have more than enough money in my bank account, enough cool exotic pictures on my Instagram, unique outfits in my closet, and crazy stories to last a lifetime. I’ve read the right books and listened to the right podcasts. 

Why then why do I feel lost unable to find my identity?

 Because most of us, exist through our reflection in the souls of those we interact with. 

My search for God makes sense because his existence means there's more than just me in my head. 

Day after day.